Let the music say everything that your heart is dying to express.
Just because your mind and mouth fear it doesn’t mean it has to sink into silence.
(Source: weheartit.com)
I think it’s time
that I really use this as the outlet it was meant to be.
May be positive at times, and negative others. Please bear with me as I journey; this is a rocky road, and at the end of the day I’m horribly scared.
Stay safe and remember that you are beautiful.
So what do you do
When flashing red lights
are screaming your name
& begging you to fight?
How do you breathe
When addiction is providing
the only source of air
and you’re afraid to detach from it?
How do you live
trapped inside a box
Where everyone can see reality,
but you’re stuck?
So what do you do
When flashing red lights
are screaming your name
& begging you to fight?
It’s not easy
to wake up every morning and face the same frustrating negative vibes; to look in the mirror, step on the scale and criticize. It’s painful to be so blinded by distortion that even the most obvious things are made to seem unimportant, when really, they’re blaring horns and flashing red lights.
You know what else is currently a killer? To be told that you’re ‘not bad enough yet’. To have some professional deny help in a different country because his source of help is ‘far superior’. It hurts to know that while I am asking for help, it doesn’t matter.
Prayers needed please.
Starbucks cup - the way I see it
God I love this. So true.
As Friday gets closer
I find myself increasingly scared and worried, not that’s it’s an atypical reaction in this case. My birthday is coming up, and while it would be nice to have a good time with my family, the idea of the typical ‘birthday dinner’ really raises my anxiety.
There’s this place in Markham called ‘Fire and Ice’… it’s a stir-fry place that I’ve always enjoyed. The plan is to go there for dinner, and I’ve asked mom for a specific birthday cake/dessert.
But what if i can’t handle it?
What if I start freaking out?
What if I don’t feel confident at all?
How sad is it to say that I feel as if my birthday isn’t something I actually deserve this year?
“Just eat”
I know my grandma meant it in a funny way, but when she told me that my tattoo should say “just eat” instead of “just breathe”, I found myself rather hurt.
To be dead honest
my last post may make it seem like things are going great, but that’s not really how it is.
Are things completely horrible? No, definitely not… but to say things are going well is pushing it. Still struggling with the eating disorder- mom’s attempting to control me more without realizing just what she is asking. She thinks EVERYTHING I say is actually the disorder. When trying to eat, if it’s not as much as mom would like to see, she gets this look of frustration and disappointment on her face.
I wish she could realize that it makes me feel (once again) like I’m just not good enough for her or not pushing hard enough for her.
But recovery is supposed to be about me, isn’t it?
Trying not to be invisible, but wanting to if mom’s really that disappointed.
“We can hear your strength”
That is what I was told today by two music therapists from Capilano University that were conducting my phone interview. They asked many difficult questions, and I’m hoping that my answers made sense.
All in all, the interview felt great, and I am hoping that I will have the chance to get out to BC next year.
Fingers crossed.
‘the perfect place for me to fall is at Your feet ‘cuz this is all that I can offer You to honour You ‘cuz who I am is what You do…”
